bosan. dpt dr astrid

• 1: What would you name your future daughter(s)? Cassadee and Azalea
• 2: Do you miss anyone? well, yes.
• 3: What if I told you that you were pretty? oh stop it you *blush*
• 4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?  yes
• 5: What are you looking forward to in the next week? some times to relax
• 6: Did you go out or stay in last night? i went out for a while........
• 7: How late did you stay up last night? fell asleep straight after i arrived home
• 8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? yes, my mom._.
• 9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? sleepin'
• 10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? a thousand times.
• 11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? sure
• 12: Have you pretended to like someone? this is embarrassing, but yes.
• 13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? yes. totally.
• 14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? does it still count when the person can make me cry at the same time?
• 15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? kinda
• 16: Think back five months ago, were you single? yeah
• 17: Have you ever cried from being so mad? of course
• 18: Hold hands with anyone this week? yeah
• 19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? nope
• 20: Who did you last see in person? mom dad and my lil bro
• 21: What is the last thing you said out loud? "hmmm"
• 22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? heck no.
• 23: Have you ever been to Paris? yes
• 24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? people say so
• 25: Do you use chap stick? no
• 26: Who did you last share a bed with? my brother
• 27: Are you listening to music right now? noe.
• 28: What is something you currently want right now? to pee
• 29: What is your current favorite song? in my place - coldplay
• 30: How is your heart lately? satisfied and happy
• 31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? YEEEES, just to scare the hell out of ppl
• 32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? yesterday:>
• 33: What do people call you? Lit, Chy, De, Adik, Litok and so on
• 34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? yes.
• 35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? of course
• 36: What are you listening to right now? sounds from my tv
• 37: What is wrong with you right now? my back aches so much i couldn't bare sitting on the ground even for 10 minutes and I'm emotionally controlled by my ovaries.
• 38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? why would u ask? of course it is.
• 39: Do you make wishes at 11:11? nah
• 40: What is on your wrists right now? nothing
• 41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected? taken
• 42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? this is my mom's t-shirt
• 43: Do you hate Monday? yes.
• 44: Have you hugged someone within the last week? yeeeeeeees
• 45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? yes
• 46: What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
• 47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? not even the slightest bit.
• 48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? i hate being alone but i hate being used as a bolster by my brother even more.
• 49: Have you ever been to New York? no.
• 50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? i believe he does.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to show you how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to make you trust me. I'm sorry I was stupid. I would never let anyone down, especially you. I'm willing to change for the better. I wish you could see it in me. I wish you could understand.

I don't know how to explain and describe how I feel about you. All I know is that I want you in my life. And I don't know if i would ever get a chance to tell you everything you always wanted to know, but I want you.

Lama nggak ngepost disini. Kangen sama blog ini. Walaupun isinya emang galau tapi ngangenin.

Sekarang udah masuk semester 4 dan I'm so glad that I've found someone I can take as a best friend, a partner, an older brother, and a boyfriend. Someone I can always rely on. Someone who is willing to spend his time for me no matter what :''') *sobs* 

By the way, gue baru sadar bahwa disini gue ngomong sendiri. Gue cerita sama diri gue sendiri dan blog ini beneran jadi diary gue....................(apa?!)

Sebenar-benarnya adalah gue seneng. Seneng banget bisa jadi bagian dari hidup dia, tapi gue juga ngerasa takut banget. Takut bakal ngecewain dan bakal ngasih pengaruh buruk. Gue kan gak boleh kayak gitu.

Hhhhh. Berdoa ajadeh.  

Kalo boong itu nggak dosa, mungkin gue udah bilang gue gak apa-apa. Tapi nyatanya boong itu dosa dan gue gak bisa bilang hal yang segitu gak mungkinnya.

Kalo nggak ada dia, mungkin lo bisa sadar gue yang ada terus di deket lo dan selalu ngasih lo yang terbaik. Tapi gue bukan model yang bisa menyita perhatian lo.

Kalo hidup itu gampang, mungkin sekarang lo udah ada di sana sama dia. Tapi nyatanya lo masih di sini, walaupun lo nggak "di sini".

Kalo dia emang yang lo butuhin, mungkin lo nggak perlu mikir dua kali dalam hal ini. Tapi mungkin hati lo sadar, bukan dia yang lo cari.

Saat kamu menginginkan sesuatu, hal yang sangat kecil bisa membuatmu melompat kegirangan ataupun bimbang setengah mati. Setelah itu pilihannya hanya ada dua, entah harapan itu semakin menjadi atau kamu menjadi ragu akan keadaan, kemudian berhenti berharap.

Sebagian hati ingin terus berharap, meyakini bahwa akan ada kesempatan di masa depan, tetapi otak tidak membiarkan harapan itu pergi terlalu jauh, takut akan jatuh nantinya. Sebagian akan beranggapan kata hatilah yang patut didengar, tapi akal sehat menuntutmu untuk bersikap realistis.

Takut.

Di saat rasa ingin tahumu terkalahkan oleh rasa takut untuk menerima jawaban selain yang kamu harapkan. Takut bila ternyata pikiran kalian tidak sama. Di saat itu juga kamu sadar bahwa kamu tidak siap menerima kenyataan dan di saat itu juga kamu sadar bahwa kamu sudah mengambil kuda-kuda.

Munginkah kamu menyembunyikan rasa yang sama?
Mungkinkah aku yang ada di pikiranmu seperti kamu selalu tinggal dalam anganku?
Apakah napasmu tercekat saat melihatku?
Apakah terasa sakit di dadamu saat melihatku dengan orang lain?
Apakah kamu juga ingin terus bersamaku?
Apa yang ada di pikiranmu?
Bolehkah aku mengetahui isi hatimu?

Hanyalah segelintir pertanyaan yang muncul di kepalaku. Bukan karena penasaran, namun lebih karena aku ingin mengenalmu.

This time.

This time I won't be whining about how life has been horrible to me. This time I'll tell you something good. I'll try to show you how life really is.

Something really good has happened to me. The opportunity you don't always get. Before this thing happened, I was always overly reacting at unexpected things.

I might sound tacky now, but this is how I really feel.

This smile really has lighten up my day. That smile gives me the courage to do things. I don't know how, but it calms me down and makes me believe that everything will be just fine. And those eyes, those are the eyes that will make you regret every single second spent without staring at them.

I know I should be careful of what I'm thinking, but I think this person has somehow opened my eyes and made me know that I should start living in the present again.

What I'm trying to say is, when you work hard, something good will come to you. 

Quick update.

Lagi rajin nge-post nih. Walaupun 2 post terakhir gue tuh agak-agak "bukan gue" dan lumayan bikin sedih, tapi semoga aja menghibur. Terus sekarang bosen. Gak tau lho mau ngapain. Abis baca ulang semua post di blog terus kok kayaknya selalu sedih dan mellow. Pengen menyertakan foto di post tapi malesnya naudzubillah.

Apa ya? Hari ini (21/7) udah mulai puasa. Harusnya kan gue tidur nih nanti saur. Tapi bener-bener gak ngantuk dan pengennya main terus. Udah gitu gue nanti saur juga gaada yang bangunin dengan unyu-unyuan. Terus gimana, dong? Ya udah, gue akan bergantung pada emak gue yang setia banget bangunin gue.

Terus alhamdulillah gue udah kelas 11. Masuk kelas XI Science B dengan teman-teman yang rame banget! Walaupun rapot gue ancur-ancuran tapi alhamdulillah deh gue masih bisa masuk science.

Apa lagi, ya? Gue pengen nyanyi lagi deh. Nyanyi yang serius tapi. Tapi gaada kesempatan. Cuma bikin cover lagu doang hahaha.

Sudahlah, selamat malam!

1

Aku ingin dengar ceritamu. Tapi bukan tentangnya. Aku ingin tahu tentangmu. Segala yang kamu rasakan.

Aku tidak pernah tahu bagaimana caranya. Bagaimana agar namaku yang kamu sebut terus-menerus. Bukan namanya. Bukan segala yang dia miliki.

Terkadang saat kamu ceritakan padaku betapa bahagia hatimu bertemu dengannya, bagaimana ia dapat membuatmu begitu lemah dan kehilangan arah, aku tersenyum.

"Semoga suatu saat kalian bisa bersama.", begitu aku berkata. Tak ingin melihatnya muram.
"Aku akan terus menunggu, pasti indah bila bersamanya.", aku bisa dengar hela panjang nafasku.

Aku ingin kamu melihat. Dia yang kamu damba tidak tahu rasanya rindu padamu. Akulah yang selalu ingin di dekatmu.

Mungkin suatu saat aku bisa menjadi dia yang selalu kamu ucapkan selamat pagi. Mungkin juga tidak.
Mungkin esok kamu akan menghampiriku dan berkata, "Mengapa tak ada kabar? Ke mana saja?". Mungkin juga tidak.
Mungkin malam ini kamu akan dengar "Aku rindu kamu" berulang kali. Tapi tidak. Tidak sampai kamu sadari, aku selalu ada.

:O

Ah, sudah hitungan bulan aku tak merasa seperti ini. Berkali-kali mata ini kuarahkan padanya. Berharap suatu saat ia akan menoleh ke arahku.

"Hei.", katanya buyarkan lamunanku.
"Sedang apa?", matanya mengarahku.
"Duduk-duduk saja.", jawabku nanar, sepi sekali.

Kubenarkan posisi dudukku. Tanganku tak bisa diam. Gelisah.

"Ia jauh lebih tinggi dariku.", ceritaku pada teman-teman.
"Wajahnya lucu sekali, tampan.", banggaku.

Kata mereka aku mirip dengannya. Mungkin jodoh?

"Sudah mau pulang?", berdebar jantungku.
"Sebentar lagi.", singkat sekali.

Tubuh tegapnya lewat di hadapanku. Berjalan menjauh. Kamu, menolehlah. Lihat aku.